Thinking Out Loud: The Place that Built Me & Where I Go from Here

Bill Griffin on TrekEarth.com (actually a photo of Jellico. wow.)

Growing up in a small town in the south came with all of the pros and cons of any other small town you've ever heard of or lived in, for example:

PROS:
Same friends since birth.
Everyone knows everyone.
You felt safe being out after dark.

CONS:
Same friends since birth.
Everyone knows everyone.
You felt safe being out after dark.

I'm not going to bore you with a recant of my young life. Whatever you have heard about growing up in the south is true: you go to Sunday School and get baptized or you're going to hell, old men still use the "N word" a lot, backwoods crazies are everywhere, and if your life isn't a soap opera you must make it one, otherwise someone else will do it for you... and all of the goings-on can be attributed some how to being a part of "god's plan", per the god-fearing locals that can't think for themselves, bless their hearts.  

Now. That being said. I have nothing... nothing against another persons beliefs, the way in which it applies to their own life, or how they express it. The driving force behind the issue(s) I have concerning these belief systems is the way in which these believers attempt to force their religious views on to the rest of the population. I was raised by my science teacher grandmother who encouraged me to explore many aspects of myself through knowledge, creativity, and spiritual guidance. In addition to all of my "secular activities" I went to church, participated in camps, mission work, bible school, revival, choir, youth groups, etc. I grew up to become a moral, thoughtful, and well-rounded person thanks to my family, teachers, and friends. In the end, my southern spiritual upbringing allowed me to gain a powerful perspective on how religion and spirituality can play a part in my life. I had no idea how these foundations would apply to me later, but looking back I can see how they have benefitted me. 

Most of my family still go to church and/or claim Christianity as their faith. I am happy that they have found something that works for them and fills their lives with peace, joy, and reassurance. I struggle with an emotion attuned to guilt over this at times, but I cannot reconcile my own honest, internal beliefs with what I see as a narrow, very close-minded practice. One that proclaims you must worship this one God or you will suffer eternally. I know that there is hope and connectivity and knowledge within Christianity, but I feel false in saying that my heart is still in it. If I go to a church, I will bow my head in prayer, I will recite the Psalms and the Apostles Creed verbatim with the rest of them, but all of those beautiful words feel hollow in my heart. The realization of this has only served to strengthen who I am now and will allow me to follow the road that I am meant to walk. 

Now I wish to seek out my true heart and an authentic soul. What fills me with joy and connects me to the universe. I want to understand life and myself and maybe try to find a little bit of purpose for my very brief visit here.